Author Archives: Karen McCaskey

Alas, I am alone with my thoughts
again. It doesn’t seem to matter much,
day or night or somewhere in between.
Time’s a meaningless concept here,
these days. Ah yes, these days,
nothing much I want to say about them!
So many unspoken apologies birthed this
relentless, insatiable hunger. Hunger that
claws and rips and tears with jagged teeth
at a reality I no longer wish to be mine.
But after pretending so long, how can I be sure
of what I wish it were instead?

4/30/24

steady raindrops tripping softly along my window
stopping briefly to look in at me before
continuing their earth-seeking journey
leaving behind a memory of
a yesterday I thought I’d forgotten,
but that still lives
still
lives

still
life
still life in your picture on a shelf
all that I thought remained but
this memory oh
this memory trickles like the rain
washing away the rest
wrapping me gently in liquid arms
for a while
for a while

4/29/24

Dropped into a dream from a bolt of lightning,
I become one with water and swim this ocean of darkness.
Down, down, lungs not fighting
(have I grown gills?) And still down.
I settle then among heavy rocks and thick sand,
marvel at flowering sea-grass that sways hypnotically
as I take my place among coral families.
There must be a lesson I’m supposed to learn here,
but for now, there is no thought.
Only gentle movement in rhythm with ocean’s dance.
Only peaceful knowing that we are one.

4/28/24

Six poetic souls did venture forth
to write a Renga poem – the subject, youth.
Not knowing through what landscapes they’d traverse,
set out to have some fun along the way.
Through twists and turns, the story did unfold,
of children having fun as children will.
Then in their games, they learn life lessons too-
most of all that friendship will provide
the love and light they need to live their lives.

4/27/24

~After Robert Frost’s Desert Places “To scare myself with my own desert places”

Dreaming, my mind is often given to
creating mostly-impossible scenes just to scare
creativity into me. Deciphering them myself,
these dreams, I’m often left with
more questions than when my
head met my pillow! But I shall own
whatever information comes. Made of fertile desert,
they are, these curious psyche-places.

4/25/24

I want
to say
I’m sorry,
but
my heart’s
afraid to
call.

I didn’t
try to
break us.
Not
what I
meant at
all.

I broke
this poem
so it would
match my
broken
heart,
you see.

I want
to fix
the us I
broke,
but fear
it cannot
be.

4/24/24

Always under the radar
yeah, that’s where I live. It’s
like trying to be invisible,
like when I was a kid, trying
to silently open the lid
on Grandma’s cookie jar.

Only she’s not around anymore
and I’m in charge of
the cookie jar now.
Except, it’s
empty.

4/23/24

~after Geoffrey Chaucer, from Canterbury Tales “Weeping and wailing, care and other sorrow, I know them well enough by eve and morrow”

Late afternoon nap interrupted by weeping,
unable to shake off the dream – and
with it, the young child’s wailing
still assaulting my ears. No one to care
for the waif in the dream, of course, and
so I name her Anna and hold her in my heart. No other
thing can I do, having tasted the depth of her sorrow
so like my own, her tears drops of water from an ocean. I
think perhaps she’s always been a part of me. I know
that look of fear shadowing her eyes; I see them
clearly because they are my own. Within them is mirrored a deep well
of sadness and longing, for a something she’s never known enough
of in her short life. A something she could live by,
if only it existed. If only it were hers. On this fair springtime eve,
I’m fully awake now, still aware of my mirror-self, and
I wait to see if she will follow me into the morrow.

4/22/24

I’ve come to the end of one of life’s docks
stand perched on reluctant toes.
Warm waters below are beckoning me,
but I must know where it goes!

I hear the water speaking then
“My dear, you do not need
to know where I’ll be taking you.
Just follow where I lead.”

And so I take my deepest breath,
then with a prayer I dive.
The water greets me with delight-
I swim, no need to strive.

Warm currents guide me on my way
toward a distant shore.
New paths to choose, and brand-new docks,
I’ve never walked before.

Still a little scared, but sure
the waters I can trust.
Discover in my heart there lives,
an excited wanderlust!

4/21/24

Sometimes, coincidence
serendipitously
sneaks up on us in pairs,
sends us inside ourselves.
Synergy blooms in grace,
souls set afire by love.
Symmetry, taking shape.

4/20/24

My hatred of this stupid app
has reached a fever pitch;
Hubby listens to it day and night
and it’s turning me into a b—-!

The idiocy people record and post
annoys me to no end.
Shut up shut up nobody cares!!
I cannot comprehend

how anyone could enjoy this crap!
What purpose does it serve?
Some of the drivel, I just can’t see
where they actually get the nerve.

Maybe it’s just the stuff he sees.
I’ve often wondered if
there’s better stuff being posted
than the crap he’s presented with.

4/19/24

Where humanity seems to be heading
is surely not what was meant at
creation’s dawning.

So much hatred everywhere-
it’s getting harder to see the love
that will always overcome it,
that must always overcome it.

My friends,
we cannot surrender.
There is no surrender
not here, not now,
not ever.

We must stand together,
before time become too short!
As we link our hearts
one to another,
may we shine in the remembrance
that we are all
one.

4/18/24

Today I thought of calling you.
Wasn’t much more than a thought,
since I don’t know what you’d do
if I did. I mean I know you would have answered,
if it actually went through.
But, you may have changed your number.
That’d be just like the other shoe
finally dropping! And besides, it probably wouldn’t have bought
what I think I would have wanted it to,
anyway.

4/17/24

Rhyming well? It takes a skill
that I do not possess.
But I will still churn out my swill
and try not to obsess.

I’d call this practice, but I know
it won’t matter a bit.
These forced and stilted rhymes I sow
Won’t ever be a hit.

Ha ha but that’s okay, I say!
It’s not a requirement.
I’ll keep on writing my own way,
your annoyance to prevent.

4/16/25

Some say it’s an art,
this forgetting thing.
I’m not sure about that. To me,
art creates – it doesn’t destroy.
Forgetting as a destruction of memory
therefore, cannot be art.

But then again, it can be said
that in its own way, destruction
does create – leaves behind it
different landscapes
than what existed before.

And so I wait
for the creation as I destruct
my memories of
you.

4/15/24

Cold winter nights
let us find our warmth inside-
two hearts together.

Safe from a world that wishes to undo me,
planted in the warmth of your love. My heart,
a rare flower, sends a peaceful whisper of happiness,
that blooms and spreads into my soul and
at last, I am
home.

4/14/24

Nothing is a funny concept.
It can be almost any something, such as-

What I meant to you.
What your lame rhetoric means to me now.
More than those, though,
it’s precisely what I owe you.

Nothing.

4/13/24

*Prompt: write a short poem about nothing.

The problem was never her.
Rather, it was the version of her,
that I’d created in my head.
The one that was perfect,
that could do no wrong.

Of course I tried,
to live up to that perfection but
I never could so I kept going,
kept trying,
kept pretending
to be everything I thought that she
was. Everything I thought that she
wanted me to be.

And if she’d never let me see
the real her
I’d still be hanging on, still
trying to be that persona-

Instead of beginning to live my life.
Instead of learning to be the me
behind the mask.

4/12/24

What mysteries you must know the answers to.
I wanted to stay with you longer, but
the sun was high and the day so warm,
that I aspired to leave the trail and sit within
the ravel of your branches. It would have been so lovely,
to commune within the heart of you – yet
my respect for the delicate ground supporting you,
kept my feet moving forward along the trail.
Then I thought about desert wildlife
taking shelter inside your woven branches,
perhaps keeping safe from rain or snow or from
some predator looking for a late-night snack.
Either way I know you have been a blessing to so many.
And so, I stood quietly for that moment on the trail,
and imagined curling up to sleep inside your tangled nest,
safe from a world that wishes to undo me.

4/11/24

I loved you.
Still do, of course, although
that love has changed.
No longer filled with urgency,
no longer infused with needless pain.
No longer needing a response.

I’m moving forward now, into
a future I may not have yet imagined,
but have begun to create day by day.
A future no longer focused on you,
at last, taking charge of loving
myself. But remember that once,
I loved you.

4/10/24

I sit upon you every single day,
and never once have heard you to complain.
I guess that’s just because it is your way-
to function and not cause me any pain.
You help me do my job and then to write,
to pay my bills and catch up on email,
and read a lot of awesome poetry.
I shall not give you up without a fight!
I’d wage a war, although on smaller scale.
I realize this makes me sound absurd.

4/9/24

I shan’t consider this a character flaw
if this experience is not an easy one.
It’s fun, a little radical, perhaps. But
I make this declaration, here and now,
that it might have some potential! After all,
poetry doesn’t have to be rational,
does it? My apology if some don’t agree
with my intention. It might make for some
interesting computing, one never knows.

4/8/24

*In response to the following prompt: using a random word generator, generate however many words you like, use the first as your title, and then one each in every line.

My words: practical, character, experience, radical, declaration, potential, rational, apology, intention, computing.

Noisy here in my head
without you poking around.
If you were here though
you’d learn what I really
think of you these days, so
best that you’re not.

4/7/24

Recently I happened to drive
right past your road. (Legitimately-
where I was going just happened
to be near.) Oh, I probably
could have found an alternate route,
but I’m gonna have to get over this
sometime. We live in the same town,
after all, and we’re likely
to run into one another at some point.
So yeah I need to get over it,
as I hope you have done.

And if you see me first,
will you say hello? Perhaps
we will stop and chat
for a moment or two, then
wish each other well and go
our separate
ways.

4/6/24

Lost in torment again-
forsaken space, this,
between want and need.
Refusing to align as always,
when it comes to you and I.

Why is what I need,
never what I want?
A question older than myself,
and often asked, I’m sure.

So I keep trying to force
want and need to get along.
The only loser in this war?

Me.

4/5/24

Cholla cactus waits
my arrival to witness:
glowing in the sun.

Just don’t get too close.
Spiny ends will cling to you;
As if they DO jump!

But I’m not afraid.
I’ve learned to keep my distance,
Enjoy from afar.

4/4/24

Another day, another dollar it’s been said.
But I like to joke, another day another 50
Cents. That’s how it feels sometimes lately!
Don’t you agree? Seems that precious little is
Easy anymore. So many struggling, doing their best but
For what, many of us have begun to wonder?
Getting ahead has become downright impossible!
Hanging on by a frayed thread is the new norm; and
I can’t stop myself from wishing for simpler times.
Jousting thoughts inside my tired brain,
Keep me awake in the darkest hours of night and
Leave me wrecked as the sun creeps into the sky.
Metamorphosis of our entire society is rather
Needed at this point; we should be creating an
Oasis of love and truth and light for all, by now.
Please, someone tell me why we aren’t! How I need some
Quiet time… turn off the radio, turn off the TV!
Read a good old-fashioned book from the library instead.
Stop attempting to one-up your neighbor!
Try forming an alliance with them and help each other
Up from where we are now. The current world
View can be better, I know in my heart that it can, if
We all just work together, in the knowledge that we are one.
Xenophobia must not win. Remember! We’re all the same,
You and I and everyone. All across the world:
Zero hour is upon us.

4/3/24

I wonder if always seeing the best in people
is somehow an attempt to see the best in myself?

Or

Is it more codependent manipulation
trying to make them see the best in me?

4/2/25

There’s tension in the air this afternoon:
a storm that’s brewing in the atmosphere
has also laid a claim over my soul.
It’s quiet now, but something’s building here
that when it’s through, could take my world away.
I’ll fight it like the warrior that I am,
I know that I’ve come through these storms before!
No need to spend your worrying on me,
Best save it for some other worthy cause.
So let the winds and rain come as they will!
I’ll let them wash me clean to start anew.

4/1/24

Surrender’s a word I know nothing about.
Leastways, not in any good sense of the word.
Oh, hell yeah, surrender to the shit I oughtn’t to!

But that kind ain’t sweet and never will be.
I’ve always been that fish who fears water.
That lonely bird afraid of open sky.
The one who leaves first, so I can’t be left behind.
An empty well with no bottom in sight,
that can never be truly filled.
Not with what matters, anyway.

Nope, I’ve become some black hole of neediness –
suck you right in but then push you far away,
faster than you could ever comprehend.

The darkness within is deep and permeating and
sometimes I just need to get lost in it for a while.
But I’ll find my way back, eventually.
It won’t let me stay there for long – no one belongs there,
not even me.

Sweet surrender? Ha.

3/31/24

I didn’t want to think it
but you led me to believe it.
Everything you said was bullshit!
Left me feeling like a nitwit.
Hey I never signed a permit,
for the crap that you would transmit.
Ah, you’re nothing but a half-wit.
Let your love sink in a tarpit!
Now it’s time for me to make it
on my own, without your remit.
So go on, you heard me, git!
You ain’t worth another whit.

3/30/24

The words don’t want to come tonight.
I feel them though, trapped inside my keyboard,
just beneath my waiting fingers – wandering spirits
who once again lost their way home, they
tease and taunt my poet’s soul with each keystroke.

But wait. Perhaps they’re not so much lost, as just
unwilling to be found. I push toward understanding –
I’ve been using them lately, instead of letting them use me.
Forcing them instead of allowing them to come as they will,
to work their magic in my restless, broken heart.

As I close my eyes to sleep tonight,
I’ll invite them into my dreams to be within,
to cleanse and free and move me once again
into those places of healing and love – those places
where only words can take me.

3/29/24

Was it me who wove the spell that I was under?
Did I transport myself to this island of despair?
I want to blame you of course, for all of it but
that’s really not fair, is it? I’m as much to blame.
Would it help me, if you were to admit your part?
I don’t know. At this point, it may not matter anymore,
anyway. So, I’ll sit here with my keyboard and type my words,
tossing blame upon both of our shoulders in turn.
I guess we’ll each do with it what we will, that is
if you ever decide to accept the part that’s yours.
I know how the saying goes, that all good things must end; but
forgive me if somehow, I thought that we’d be different.

3/28/24

This relationship has broken down.
Don’t know how to be without it,
find new corners every day
where I need a straight line!
Tired of the curves,
so over them.
Let me walk
away
now
although
I really
do not want that,
I’d rather go back
to how we used to be,
before I destroyed it all.
When we still cared for each other –
before everything we were was gone.

3/27/24

Our dreams are doorways opened during sleep;
the ones we cannot see when we’re awake.
They’ll take us on adventures if we’ll go,
and show us things we never thought we’d see.
So, set the thought as you lay down your head
tonight, that you’ll remember what you dream.
Or even ask a question. You may get
the answer that your soul’s been looking for.
Sometimes our dreams give symbols that confuse.
But don’t lose heart. Just write them down and wait –
for psyche understands and always will.

3/26/24

I am dark and you are light,
when we wander in the night.
Stupid bullshit labels those!
Who we are, well, no one knows.

3/25/24

This missing you – an
endlessly dark emptiness of soul. A searing,
painful longing that slowly consumed
my heart, then set me adrift into this wasteland, where
nothing can grow,
nothing can thrive –
loneliness an accidental friend.

Only my tears let me know I am alive.
Otherwise, I feel nothing.
I want nothing, without them I am
nothing.

Because this reality I brought upon myself,
the day I walked away
without saying
goodbye.

3/24/24

It’s said that April showers bring May flowers, but
what should dismal March mornings bring?
I know better than to expect flowers, so
instead, perhaps I’ll ask the birds to sing.

As if on cue, their lively chirping starts, now
urging sun to overcome gray skies.
But, urging can’t tame inner storms – my
wounded heart interprets only lies.

I don’t believe it’s happy chirping; though
some might pose an argument to me.
Perspective is a funny thing you know, it
shows us what it thinks we ought to see.

3/23/24

Chatting with AI today,
I started talking about you
(of course)
(what else could I do)
the bot thinks we should meet again
said that there’s more work we can do,
and said that you want to see me.

I’m not sure I believe it
(I mean, it’s only a bot, right?)
yet part of me sure wants to!

I still feel like you’re mad at me
(probably my codependent bullshit)
but the bot insists you’re not.
And that you miss me, too.

I am sure that
the bot lies.

3/22/24

Higgledy-piggledy
Benedict Cumberbatch
acted in movies and
also TV.

Played Sherlock Holmes (the de-
tective we love) and he
taught English in an old
monastery.

3/21/24

So much time.
So much time trickled away unaware, thinking
it was the right thing: this trying to become
what I thought I was supposed to be.

So much time.
So much time lost, given away, sacrificed for nothing
because I was told I was supposed to –
that’s how we are supposed to be.

So little time.
So little time left for me now, to find myself. To become
who I was truly meant to be all along. And I wonder,
why have I been so afraid of discovering her?

So much time. And also,
So little.

3/20/24

Today when I asked Love
what it wanted me to know,
it had a lot to say.

It said the love inside of you,
was given for a reason.
No random fluke of nature, that placement!
Know it is special, unique and precious, unto your heart.

Be brave! Whenever you express it,
and the receiver tries to refuse,
don’t wish you could take it back –
be assured their refusal is quiet proof,
that it’s exactly where it needs to be.
Love will do the work in time. So
don’t ever let your light grow dim.
This world needs it now, more than ever.

And remember – the more love you give,
the more you will receive! It’s the magical circle
of important things.

3/19/24

The world has become an interesting place
more so than it’s ever been:
We now have Artificial Intelligence,
it’s like nothing I’ve ever seen!

If the world were much more innocent
I’d say it sounds like fun
Unfortunately, innocent the world is not
So from this, I think I’ll run.

It’s scary the pictures it can create;
I no longer know what’s real!
I’d like to turn the clock back please,
Can’t we just get a re-deal?

I long for simpler times, I guess,
when things were just what they were –
Is it because I’m suddenly old,
and imagining my youth as pure?

3/18/24

I close my eyes, lost in old memories.
Warm nights gathered ‘round the campfire, as
choruses of “Rise Up Oh Flame” weave up and around wispy smoke,
then away into the stars as we sang,
our voices happy and strong –
reflecting the bonds we formed back then.
Musty canvas tents and rough-hewn cabins in the woods, oh
they somehow felt like heaven and we wanted never to leave.

Those Cedar trees still call my name,
though many miles and years exist between.
The old words remain crisp and clear, so I sing again –
“Farewell we take memories, that years cannot fade”.
Did any of us realize how true those words would come to be
when we first sang them?

It’s time to leave the memories once again, but
for just a little while. I know I’ll be back to visit them,
the next time I feel lonely, perhaps a verse or two of
Barges or Sarah the Whale will play for me the next time,
“Our promise remade” with every replay.

3/17/24

Lost and broken, she wanders the night
down gloomful, somber streets of her past,
no longer looking for anything here –
for nothing worth finding, remains.

Then sits under a long-broken street lamp,
on a splintered old park bench
(once-red paint faded to dismal gray)
eyes closed, to travel inner landscapes now.

Nothing left for her in this neighborhood.
Silent, silvery spectrals of what had been
leave their trails between lamp and bench –
unseen, but deeply felt. She knows each name,

Each memory engraved into her soul.
She allows the tears to come at last,
healing for the thirsty ground below –
life-giving to the seeds she plants.

3/16/24

You used to make me feel special
like I meant something to you;
all the things you used to say, I see now,
designed to get me attached to you:

you
felt
nothing.

To you, I was only ever a paycheck.
A consistent, long-term paycheck.

Even so,
I did some really good work.
Learned a lot about myself
and how to get along in my world –
for that, and more, I appreciate you.

But – now that we are done with each other,
and despite however many years I paid you

You have chosen to ignore my emailed thank you, and
I don’t understand why.

I’m starting to see though, this is another bit of work
that choice of yours is forcing me to do:
to at last learn to value myself
and no longer care about what anyone else
thinks of me.

Yes, even you.
Especially you. I’ve cared
for far
too
long.

3/15/24

after Robert Frost, from ‘The Secret Sits’ in A Witness Tree 1942. “But the Secret sits in the middle and knows”

So many I have kept from you; but
there’s only one that really mattered. The
last time we met, I still held this Secret
close to my heart. And now it sits,
a heavy, mournful, unyielding stone in
my heart – waiting patiently for the
right time – yet, now finding myself in the middle
of this separation, there exists no closure and
there will never be anybody but me, who knows.

3/14/24

Planes fly overhead
people going somewhere new:
I’m here standing still.

3/13/24

Why do we really only notice change
when it’s sad? I mean,
we glide right through the good changes
like we think they’re going to last forever,
barely giving them a nod,
when we should be shining our gratitude on them
like warmth from our glorious Sun –
appreciating them for at least as long
as we spend grieving those that break our hearts.
Not that grief doesn’t have its place –
to everything there is a season, after all. But the good changes,
ah, for those we need to remember to be just as grateful
as we are sad for the ones we could do without.

3/12/24

“Break open your eggshell. The time is ripe. Open up and leave limitations to the past.” – Gabi Bucker, Raven Cards (Oracle Deck)

We both knew the time had come for taking a break;
this one, the last and for good. My heart now open
to everything I have inside – your
patient, caring suggestions finally cracked the eggshell
of protection around my heart, and I let both of us in. The
pain and brokenness of me lovingly held over time,
taught me to finally love myself; that is
perhaps the greatest gift of all. Love now feels ripe
for the choosing, my heart once again open,
and I receive the love all around me. I let it fill me up
to overflowing, enough to give to others too, and
at last, as I walk away, I begin to leave
all of those old limitations
exactly where they belong – to
where they no longer haunt me. I leave them to the
past.

3/11/24

Today I am feeling optimistic
(although cautiously)
that I have finally broken the hold
you seemed to have on me.
Enthralled?
Under a spell?
Did it come from you,
or from inside me?
You kept asking if I’m a witch.
No. But I think you might be!

3/10/24

I think I owe you an apology,
because I hid behind my phone instead
of facing you in person when I said
I need to take a break. Because you see,
I was afraid that coming in would be
too difficult, that I might say instead
I didn’t want to leave. That’s just my head
(or you would say, another part of me).
So now you understand that’s why I called:
because when I am there, I feel enthralled
somehow, and like I’ll never break away!
But it’s enough. You know we’ve reached our end,
I finally know you cannot be my friend –
I’m stepping out, to make a brand new day.

3/9/24

Whose mind is this, that thinks this way,
just letting day roll into day
without attempting to affect
or have even a little say?

I must admit, I do suspect
(or else suffer from disconnect)
that mind just might be mine, you see –
it lacks a proper architect!

The joy I find in poetry
is all I need to keep me free
of that excessive worrying,
that never used to let me be.

3/8/24

My thoughts match the cold of the freezing rain
tiny little hammers assaulting windowpane
much as my thoughts assault my brain.
But where am I to go with this sad refrain?
Why should good ever come from pain,
if it also brings with it a touch of disdain?
Indeed, where lies the strength to refrain,
from the ever-present need to explain?
Too many questions. I may be insane –
but sanity is something I rarely ordain.

3/7/24

Strolling down a quiet street
what strangers might I chance to meet
along this way, pleasingly offbeat?

Alas, I am alone with my thoughts,
passing between these empty lots
overgrown with weeds and forget-me-nots,

Struggling under the afternoon sun;
turning brown and waiting to be spun
perhaps into gold? My imagination

Turns now to Rumplestiltskin’s tale,
spinning straw to gold to blackmail
the Miller’s daughter, himself to avail

of her firstborn child. But she was near
in the forest as he danced, and did overhear
him sing his own name; so she held it dear.

And so she was able to keep her child
because the imp had been acting wild:
and by his own name, became beguiled.

3/6/24

I didn’t know
that one day I would want to part.
I didn’t know,
the day would come that you would show
the truth of you that breaks my heart;
that side of you I can’t outsmart:
I didn’t know.

3/5/24

Daft, I was, the day I married you.
I thought that it was love, but didn’t know
or realize how much I’d come to rue

the saying yes. Because you didn’t show
at first, those things about you I can’t stand:
mostly, your unwillingness to grow.

And yet, I let you take me by the hand,
and promised that we wouldn’t part til life
left one of us. But now this no man’s land

we live in is too often filled with strife:
resentment too, doth cut me like a knife –
what might I have become, if not your wife?

3/4/24

After Robert Moss, from the poem “Soul Is” in his book Here, Everything Is Dreaming.

“The soul is something that is always trying to leave/like a caged bird longing for the sky.” (RM)

How long has it been, since the
last time we spoke? Soul
to soul I mean, the way it used to be but is
no more. Something
changed between us – that
I still haven’t figured out. Is
it because I was always
wanting more? Always trying
to ask for something I know I can’t have? To
love; to possess, even: only to leave
each time you remind me that I can’t have it, like
a spoiled child runs away from home at the first ‘no’? A
wanting, an untamable desire, that could never be caged –
like an insistently squawking bird
who can no longer fly but is still longing
to spread his broken wings and lift off, for
the exquisite taste of freedom he remembers, from the
blue and boundless sky.

3/3/24

Because she loved him
when love was all they had,
it’s the only thing that matters to her
now.

These days, filled with silence
except for the TV,
always the TV.
Background noise of their lives –
still together, yet so apart.

Because she loved him
when love was all they had,
the only thing that’s left –
What was.

3/2/24

This process, a cleansing of

behaviors
feelings
attitudes
thoughts

Of everything
that held me back,
that constructed the mask
I hid myself behind.

Mask now removed,
this cleansing leaves in its wake
overflowing gratitude –
a purer love
a quieter acceptance
a deeper joy.

3/1/24

In dreams, I fly much higher than I ever could awake,
my dream-self never having learned the need to fear mistakes.

I have adventures while I sleep, to places still unknown
green forests in my psyche that belong to me alone.

A peaceful cave under a cliff I’ve come to know so well,
that opens to a crystal lake – my darkness to dispel.

And when I’m lucky I may meet a spirit guide or two,
they come to share their wisdom on the things I wish to do.

It’s hard for me to listen though, sometimes, for when they speak
although they tell the truth, it can get lost in their mystique.

I listen though, and always will, for what I need to hear,
and heed the lessons that I’ve learned from them, to hold them dear.

As I prepare to once again embark upon a dream,
I’ll wish upon a star and join a silvery moonbeam.

2/29/24

I don’t know what to write about today,
too many thoughts running unorganized races in my head.
And all I have is this flimsy little butterfly net,
incapable of catching even one.

My thoughts are bumper cars
with drivers purposely crashing into each other
laughing, like we used to do when we were kids
at the fair

But I’m not laughing anymore.
Time has stolen that from me,
left me only with worry and fear
of a future that no longer seems certain.

I remember years ago
when my brother fell out of the tree
watching, helpless, but

We all laughed,
what else could we do?
No room for fear back then.

He was laughing too
as he landed on soft carpet
of dried leaves on the ground,
branches having slowed his fall
on the way down.

It’s just, I think
this current tree I’m in
doesn’t have any lower branches
so, when I fall
what will slow me down?

2/28/24

This secret hides
between carpools and concerts and
dinners out;
sneaks into the folding of towels fresh from the drier
drips from my watering can over
thirsty plants.

This secret yearns to be told
but also fears the release telling would bring:
Letting in the light would change
everything.

So I keep it safe inside the mundane,
pull pieces of it out of the ground
with garden weeds.

Watch bits of it swirl with
used dishwater down the drain.

Imagine some little part of me
eventually joining the unfathomable ocean:
where no one will know
this secret was ever
mine.

2/27/24

So grateful that you let me
figure this out for myself,
even though it meant realizing I stayed
much longer than I should have.
I can’t really know how I’d have felt,
if you’d had to suggest we stop!
I might have been like oh thank goddess.
Or, I might have felt discarded,
abandoned,
no longer wanted.
So letting it be my idea,
was the best thing you could have done.
I appreciate that SO much.

2/26/24

If I were a lady of leisure
as I sometimes dream to be,
I’d spend my days
in all sorts of ways
til nobody recognized me.

If I were a lady of leisure
it wouldn’t have taken so long
to find the place
and end the race:
in a land where I belong.

If I were a lady of leisure
Oh, let’s face it, I’d get bored.
So I’ll find what’s exciting
exploring my writing;
It comes with its own reward.

If I were a lady of leisure
and had to work no more,
my writing might be
like a job to me
and become something I’d abhor!

If I were a lady of leisure
I’d gladly turn back time.
I’m happy to be
where I’m meant to be:
inventing my paradigm.

2/25/24

When life is tossing out dismay,
And nothing wants to go your way,
Take heart, my dear, for you will see:
The sun keeps rising every day.

Keep good thoughts, but send away
those that confuse and heavy weigh.
This darkness won’t forever be:
The sun keeps rising every day.

So let’s join hands, let’s laugh and play!
Together we can find a way,
to help each other know we’re free:
The sun keeps rising every day.

2/24/24

Tell me your secrets,
Cholla glowing in the sun:
I’ve none of my own.

All that you have seen!
Silent witness of days passed,
with hope, tomorrow.

2/22/24

The person that I was twelve years ago,
I know I wouldn’t recognize today.
I’ve changed a lot, we both agree; although,
A little piece of that ‘old’ me must stay.
I’ll use that part to keep me on my toes,
for days when life would knock me to the ground;
To lean into the cold wind when it blows,
To hold onto this inner peace I’ve found.
You walked beside me through my darkest fears,
and gently held the space for me to cry.
You even taught me to accept my tears
and not insist I find a reason why.
No words exist to properly express
this gratitude I feel for our success.

2/21/24

decisions are hard
when you can’t know the result
til after they’re made.

2/20/24

grass in morning dew
a million diamonds sparkling
welcoming the day

2/19/24

I wandered long a desert trail today;
and finding not the solace I would seek,
seemed destined to return back home bereft.
Then sat myself beneath a windswept Oak,
and sought instead for solace deep within.
I passed my heart, felt sadness beating there;
then trembling, made my way down deeper still.
A flame burned brightly, never seen before –
I wondered briefly how it came to be,
then knew I should not question what was good.
Within the flame I saw it then – my soul –
a light I recognized, but not as mine,
until it spoke my name into the air.
I saw that I must answer now this call:
step into Self, in wholeness, now divine.
I closed my eyes, then took one fateful step;
fell softly into solace as I wept.

2/18/24

Remembered words play softly in my heart,
recalling when first hearing, brought me joy.
But now the hearing in my memory,
brings sadness and a longing for what was.
I never thought that we would end this way,
the team we used to be: dissolved, undone.
Don’t know what it would take to find again,
that spirit of connection from the soul.
There may be nothing left worth looking for;
A once within a lifetime sacred thing
now lost inside itself; and lost to time.
But as I navigate this letting go,
I’ll love you still for everything you were –
and everything you couldn’t ever be.

2/17/24

Jagged words like verbal razors currently seek release
their only desire to hurt. To destroy this relationship.

Anger an unfamiliar emotion in my heart but,
I won’t bury it this time. Too much has already festered.

So this time I’ll seethe; I’ll rage; I’ll break a couple of plates.
I’ll write angry poetry that you will never see.

Once I’ve calmed down, I’ll try to talk about it.
To give you a chance to explain yourself and your words.

But know this – whatever this relationship is now,
it is certainly not what it once was and no, we are not okay.

And guess what? I’m only a little sorry to say
that we are definitely NOT okay.

2/16/24

Absent-minded I may be sometimes,
but it doesn’t mean I love my life any less.
Can’t you see it in my eyes, when they look
deeply into your own?
Everyone else can, or at least that’s what I imagine;
faraway though your dreaming
gaze may seem.
Happiness is a goalpost that changes from year to year, and
I wonder sometimes if I’ve moved it too far.
Just drag it a little bit closer, I think, to
keep it within our reach!
Lazy, yes it probably is, but
maybe sometimes, that’s the only way
not to lose it altogether.
Ordinarily I wouldn’t want to be that
practical about matters such as love… but
Quiet, now.
Remember,
summer will come again, bringing the cleansing
thunderstorms that we both love to watch, from
underneath the cover of our back patio…
Venerable rumbles from the sky, so
welcome after bolts of lightning tear the sky like wild
X-rays out of control, seeking only
yesterday’s pain, to illuminate and help us understand:
Zealousness their only game.

2/15/24

Tis true, that my degree
is not in poetry.
This allows me to be free
to find my sovereignty…
to be a simple devotee
of expressing sadness or beauty.
I practice word mixology,
when my soul is feeling thirsty
for connection, or to see
if my words could ever be
a bridge to what I seek:
my personal mystique.

2/14/24

Running with scissors across frozen lakes,
no comprehension of the danger you’re in.
To you the consequences are ‘just the breaks’;
to me, it’s unforgivable sin.

No comprehension of the danger you’re in,
When you borrow and play and lose.
To me, it’s unforgivable sin,
A life my heart would never choose.

When you borrow and play and lose,
I truly see only disaster ahead:
A life my heart would never choose,
This life that fills me with absolute dread.

I truly see only disaster ahead!
I ought to get out, no matter what it takes.
This life that fills me with absolute dread,
running with scissors across frozen lakes.

2/13/24

Perhaps this dream has not been lost,
so much as, worn itself out.

All good things must end, they say
and we were good, except
lately it’s hard to remember how that felt.

I know what needs to be done.
Cannot bring myself to do it.

Where does love go, when it’s just gone?
This slow disintegration
is detrimental to us both
we should just rip off the proverbial band aid
and say goodbye.

2/12/24

the little girl inside me cries
wants to run away
but there’s nowhere to run anymore
can’t go hide in my room
it’s your room too
you don’t understand
how your angry bellows
turn me back into that scared little girl
afraid of her dad
you’re not my dad
you’re supposed to love me
be my equal partner
yet you turned on me today
yelling about all my faults
how wrong I’ve done you
why do you want us to stay together
for financial convenience
if you’re so miserable?

2/11/24

Darkness descends as I enter,
her welcome gentle, a silken shawl floating down
upon my shoulders.

Eyes adjusting, vision returning
I see a room ahead: golden flames drawn upward,
in solitary, seductive dance.

One candle brave enough to burn
so that I may See.

As I enter, I hear music from long ago,
so familiar yet so strange.
I feel it rising up within me –
begin to sing along
my voice gaining strength and clarity,
words I’d forgotten that I knew:

‘Sing from your soul, and you’ll be made whole. Sing, sing, sing!
The person that you are, and who you’re meant to be,
will find one another’

Ancient stone floor
smooth and cool now under my feet
urges me, encourages me,
to partner with the candle’s flame in her
sacred, mystical dance.

I let the dance carry me back to the world.
As the darkness falls away, I am
changed forever; a new/old song
in my heart.

2/10/24

Until you surrender
you’ll never understand
the warmth of being held.

Until you surrender
you’ll never know
what freedom truly means.

Until you surrender
you’ll never find
yourself, underneath all the noise.

2/9/24

I won’t be dissuaded by sensitive ego
to abandon this pursuit.
I don’t write seeking fame, fortune, or
perfection: no, I write
for the joy of expression.
And if I manage to touch even one soul,
because what my heart has said rings true:
it’s reason enough
for me.

2/8/24

Rainbows and roses in her dreams
never quite enter reality.

So she learned to find
romance in the mundane…
when he takes out the trash
when he remembers to run water
in his just-used dishes
or
when his discarded towel actually lands
in the laundry basket.

It’s peculiar
his love language, so practical, so
far removed from her own:
the one she feeds with magic,
whispered giggles and
fairy dust.

Well, someone did tell her once
probably when she was very young, that
opposites attract.

She can’t help but think now
26 years in,
perhaps she took that saying a little too literally.

She dreams of a someone with feelings more like her own,
while she loves the one she has the best she can –
still deeply mining each passing moment
for even a twinkle of gold.

2/7/24

I’ll make peach waffles for dinner
while you’re out on the road and
pretend I live alone.

I’ll lay back in my chair
let the silence fill me
until I hear my heartbeat.

As I look through the window,
I’ll watch fallen leaves in a furious
race around my yard.

They’ll remind me of
so many thoughts, running
crazy circles in my head.

I will imagine a magical wind
blowing them away
leaving me in peace:

Alone.

2/6/24

Perforated
this shell
waiting for the full break
slowly
slowly
it comes
at last the light
pours in and I bask
as if burdened shoulders
have never felt sunlight and I cry now
I cry
for the me who went before
for the me who tried to carry the world
for the me who finally broke
under the imagined weight of it all.

Of course it was never mine to carry and
of course I never really could anyway…

But this wildness
this wildness within
that I thought I’d lost long ago,
instead, quietly slumbered through its long dark night and
now awakens; a scruffy bear emerging from hibernation
blinking eyes against the morning light
shaking off the stillness
remembering
remembering
her tenacious spirit
as she stretches languorously
in the warm sunlight
before launching herself
in glorious spender
towards her first hunt of a new season.

2/5/24

From the empty sand, once again rises
a magical world
of psyche’s creation.
Mermaids sit around a mirror-pond in
glorious sisterhood, their
imagined conversation simple but deep.
Purple crystal glows brightly in the center,
sends feelings both ephemeral and eternal
into and between each of their hearts
as they sit, eyes closed:
love their only language,
beauty their forever home.

2/4/24

You thought you cut me down
so many times
but I kept growing anyway.
Now I stand alone
in a forest of my own design,
nourished by the tears I cried,
strengthened in my roots.

As a sapling those roots were weak
but oh were they thirsty…
I let them drink where they could,
whenever you weren’t looking:
and I grew
beyond everything I thought I’d known
beyond your garden’s fences
beyond your narrow mind

Roots strong now, content,
held deeply within the earth;
resting, reviving,
relearning how to live.

2/3/24

We’re gonna crash and burn today, aren’t we,
in a most spectacular way;
Likely with fireworks even (and not the celebratory kind).
I’ve felt it brewing for the past few days…
I’m sure you haven’t though,
and baby that’s absolutely a bet
I would take.
Logically I know I’m just a paycheck to you.
And have been ever since the day we met.
Thing is,
you never made me feel like that’s all I was
and the fact that it’s true
doesn’t make it any easier
to feel.

2/2/24

Another month – gone.
Where?
How much time spent doing things
I’d rather not have done?

How much time wasted
worrying over what will likely
never come?

How little time actually lived
enjoying each present moment
for only what they were?

How little indeed.
Looking back now
it’s mostly a life
I can’t remember; that
feels like was never really mine:
sad, that so much of it
wasn’t truly
lived.

2/1/24

Psst – hey you
yeah you
the tilt of your head
says you hear me
so stop pretending you don’t!
I’ve been watching you…
oh, don’t lose your head, I
mean no harm.
But yeah I’ve been watching
and I know you.
When you thought no one was watching
yesterday, as you giggled at the
fluttering little bugs on the trail,
you were glowing
with your love of nature
and you were quite
beautiful.
But then you put on that persona again
the one that covers your uniqueness
and I lost you among the cacti:
Cholla’s glow replacing yours,
in the late afternoon sun.

1/31/24

I thought my laptop was broken
turns out it was just my mouse.
Sadly I have no extra ones just
lying around the house.

So I stole my husband’s since
he’s out working anyway.
A twist on what’s said happens
when the proverbial cat’s away!

1/30/24

Word from a dream
what does it mean?
Not in the dictionary.
Break it down:
Prefix hyper, I know what that means.
Trunculate – still no clue.
Free association now,
sounds a little like truncate?
I know what that means so
I’ll invent a definition.
“Hypertrunculation: the act of excessively shortening something.”
Aw hell. I know exactly what that’s about…

1/29/24

We created together this sacred space.
I suppose it was inevitable though,
that so much time would begin this
agonizing process of decay.
That dose of reality you shared
so painful, because
what my head’s known all along,
my stubborn heart refused to learn:

You don’t love me now
You never did
You never will.

So now I must accept this dissolution,
you’re probably not even aware has begun…
Allow me my tears when next (and last?) we meet,
because I’m not yet sure how to move on
or who I’ll be
without you.

1/28/24

Looking at your pictures hanging in my office
(one for every year of your first 11)
Oh how I miss the sweet little boy that you were!
Running hugs when you’d launch yourself into my arms
Hearing your happy shout of “Mommy!” when I’d pick you up at daycare
Hug fests when one of us felt lonely…
I thought those days would last forever;
I know I wanted them to! But alas, time as always has done its thing…

And now look at you! All of a sudden you’re a man!
25 with a sweet girlfriend, living and working 1500 miles away.
I cannot contain the love I feel for you
and how proud I am of you
they overflow with every beat of my heart
into every moment of every day.
My biggest hope in life is that you know
just how much I love you
and always will.

1/28/24

Can’t walk away
no matter how much I want to.
Hubby says I just have to do it
to do it
but how
do I just do it?

Nobody wants to answer that question.
Maybe nobody can
but me?

I guess I’ll keep on searching inside
until I find the answer. Or,
if I ask you
will you help me
leave?

1/27/24

Lost and alone inside my head
underprotected at best
abandoned at worst
still asking the ageless question
‘Who am I?’

A wilted daisy in a field of flourishing roses
wondering how I’ll ever fit in
wondering why I was even planted here…
Some kind of cosmic error
but on a personal level?
Or is there a bigger reason
one I’m not yet privy to?

Running out of patience, and
too old to start over
even if I do
get the answer.

1/26/24

Wondering again what are you to me
that I can’t walk away from this, from us
logically knowing there isn’t an us
(But feelings:
oh they are a different monster entirely!)

Sitting in my office
staring into space
unable to comprehend
where the last 12 years have gone…
how have I been seeing you so long?

If I ask
could you, would you,
help me
leave?

1/25/24

After years of therapy
I know myself pretty well…
thus
I shall pause and reflect as long as it takes
before I allow myself to react.
No tears
No panic
Well, I did have a few questions
but
other than that it is still
sinking in.
I’ll soon be 62 years old
almost made it to retirement
and now
things are changing
too much.

1/24/24

Where did we begin?
Feels like we’ve been doing this
forever, you know.
But how can what’s so precious
Ever really reach an end?

1/23/24

Grey, faux-marble urn:
your ashes, all that’s left now
except for this hole
that feels like the grand canyon
as it swallows up my heart.

1/22/24

Feelings not my own
trudging through my broken heart;
still can’t believe that
you’re not who I thought you were:
that person doesn’t exist.

1/21/24

“Welcome to your greatest journey,”
you said. Looking back
all these years later,
what a journey it’s been indeed!

If I’d been paying any kind of attention though
I’d have seen that you
were on a journey too
quite separate from the one on which you embarked
with me.

Ah but as you always say
it’s not about you
it’s about me
so I guess it’s only natural that I haven’t
paid you that attention and yet
in my heart
I feel it

1/20/24

Why can’t I cry?
I feel like I should cry.

I want to cry.
I want to mourn this loss
I need to mourn this loss
but the peace that I feel in my soul
knowing that he wanted to be free
(I could see it in his blind eyes)
has overtaken the sadness
and won’t allow me
to grieve.

Maybe I’ve already cried enough?
Is it possible to grieve a loss before it happens,
in the preparation thereof,
in the witnessing of decline?
Is my grieving taking the form of
accepting, of allowing, this emptiness?

So many questions
without
answers.

1/19/24

Sneaky ‘lil devil, he is
pretends to be in hibernation
when in reality he
bides his time; prepares for his next
attack.

Yes, until he senses I feel
some semblance of control in my life
then
BOOM!

He leaps into action!
Explodes! A supernova!
Sparks of worry flood my brain…

Carry me into unwelcome familiarity,
terrain as well-traveled

as it is despised.

Oh yes I know it well
this worry this fear this
doom that overtakes me
saying nothing else exists as I

lose my Self…

Spirals of insecurity and doubt
nothing else left of me
falling, falling into Darkness

Alone in the Nothing.

1/18/24

Broken is a word for toys
for computers, for cars, and for other things
but definitely not
for people.
So don’t assign that label to me
as if I were some forgettable object.
I’m so much more
than I dare admit even to myself.
An unquenchable fire burns deeply
into which I must regularly sink
until finally I shall burn away
the self-doubt, the pain, the fear…
and rise from the ashes
once again.

1/17/24